Saturday, December 11, 2010

This is long . . . . . but there is a point at the end PROMISE!!!!!!

My name is Emilie and I am 33. I should have figured all of this out by now but I haven't. Me. Life. Things. I think too much. Far too much. It is comical to some but it truly is painful to think as much as I do. I have forced myself through squares that I didn't fit in. Tried to manipulate myself to fit. Then dealt with the inner battle of not being "enough" just not being "right" and then at the very same time being "way too much". Okay, so I will be "real". But what in the hell is "real"?

I am in "recovery" from anorexia. It is still unreal to say it outloud (and my point for writing this will all make sense at the end).

For those who don't know that specific time in my life or the situation - its a time that I miss (sadly). Anorexica-nostalgia - maybe? Damn recovery. Recovery is for losers and quitters.

At the time I was seeing therapists, nutrionist, medical doctors, and was literally shrinking away. Your body literally starts eating your body - your brain and in my case - my hair. I don't believe it is common knowledge but when you change your weight - you change your brain -literally. The really hysterical thing to me (truly) is that the only thing that got my attention is when I went to get my hair cut and was told that I did not have very much hair left. Vanity. Pure vanity.

Just days before I was asking the nutrionist - how I could not eat and stay alive. PISSED OFF - I was so mad that nobody would give me a concrete way of getting my hair back, a way to not eat, and not die all at the same time. I say all of this because anorexia is a disease of the brain and NEVER goes away.

When all of the above was going on - I had almost blacked out in the kitchen one day and had to sit on the floor until everything was "normal" again. The very next day I had somebody make a comment "well, you don't look anorexic", "well, you don't look anorexic", "well, you don't look anorexic", "well, you don't look anorexic". Obviously, it still resignates in my head. I thought I will show you, bitch. It was a challenge. (The bitch titled her head when she said this and I wanted to snap her head off - by the way she had certainly conquered anorexia and then some with the Christmas hams shoved in the back of her pants . . . but I digress). Challenge extended - game on. There went any progress that had been made.

The social taboos of eating disorders and especially mental illness (depression) are just as vicious as they have ever been. They are seen as as weaknesses of willpower or as a defect of personality. The depressed should just "snap out of it". The fact is that even while trying to "get better" things really seem to get worse. Its hell. I can't imagine trying to overcome drug or alcohol addiction - I honestly don't think I could do it. It is an emptiness that simply can't be filled. It becomes self hate. And once it starts - it stays for an indeterminate number of years. And people too commonly just bypass it because of all of the ugliness.

I write this as a challenge - not so much about anorexia but about mental illness in general. Anorexia is is merely a symptom of a huge psychological mess. Think about this - "normal" people (those without any type of depression or anything) have a bad day - one bad day and it is over. But guess what? That is mental illness. This is mental illness.

1. Spend too much time convincing people that small things make life great.

2. Damaged. That what mental illness is. Defect and damage.

3. Tiny things are the only things that keep people going. Hold your breath, hang on and wait it out.

4. Constant need to excuse yourself, to explain why you are the way you are.

5. Fragile - so fragile - confidence.

6. Constant feeling of being inferior, inadequte.

7. Feeling only tolerated by those around you.

8. Never been good enough for yourself or your expectations.

9. Can't make sense of your own thoughts. Knowing your thoughts/actions are not "right" (on a "good day")

10. Knowing it is here to stay - for life.

This is the only way I can explain mental illness and is my point:

(my favorite quote ever)

"The idea of my future simlataneuosly thrilled and terrified me, like standing at the lip of a very sheer cliff - I could fly, or fall. I didn't know how to fly, and I didn't want to fall".

With depression - with mental illness - you have no choice in the matter -you just stand there - holding your breath and waiting for whatever will happen- to happen. Again, the challenge - change your thought process next time you come across "one of those people"

(Last note - my hair will never be the same - vanity - yes - but very sad to me.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is very brave of you to share this about yourself! Hang in there!