Yep, I am fucked up!

I was so proud when I didn't eat. I loved it that my jeans hung on hips. Although I have gained weight - I can still feel this today. It causes a stabbing pain in my heart. It physically causes me pain to know that I am NOT in that position right now. I had so much control then. I could go days without eating. I lived on Rockstar. LOVED IT. I hate to touch my body now. Now, I feel more responsiblity though. I have a 4 year old daughter. She watches my every move. She is very smart. I don't want an ANA life for her but I want it back for me BUT I want to be alive for her. But at the same time there are times that I want to die because I hate this body that I am in. Why can't get the control back? Somebody help get started again? I am so frustrated. I can't live like this.

I hate you (yes you that is writing this post)

I hate the way my body feels. I hate the way my skin feels. I hate the way breathe. I hate the fact that right now I am in fact breathing. I want to do things to my body to cause pain (cutting is actually quite a nice release). Cutting causes a temporary distraction from whatever non physical pain I feel - twisted but it makes sense. I love the way it feels to have something sharp feel against my skin - I would like for it to go deeper - but not yet. I am huge fat. I am a failure. I wish I could fade away. I want to fucking shave my head, pierce anything/everything on my body, tattoo fuck you across my head (okay - maybe not) - I am running again (but not enough). I am barely eating - but probably too much. I hate you Ana - but I love you Ana. I want to sleep and never wake up. I am miserable and this will never go away. EVER. THIS IS MY FUTURE. THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS IT. I want to cut my skin off. ALL OF IT.

Ana is back . . .

Just feel like I need to announce it (for some accountability) . . . 30 plus pounds has gotta go . . .quickly - in a healthy way or not. More to come.

Alone . . . but surrounded by people

This is a little off of "Ana" subject but relates still. I can't get into all of it in this forum (although I wish I could "go there" safely). So, I have never in my life felt so totally completely alone. I am surrounded by people (family) and I am married. I work and have "work friends". I have friends outside of work. I have a lot of people in my contact list on my phone, in my Facebook Friends list, in an old dinasour age address book. I have a therapist for goodness sake. But I feel like I am out there - totally by myself. I have, what I consider HUGE, LIFE ALTERING decisions to make and I don't think anybody understands how OCD I am about these decisions. OR maybe that is the problem - they pass it off as "just being OCD and a freak". People - you can keep your judgement. As parents, we are trusted to make the best decisions for our children (safety, medical, educational, etc). When you are married this should be easier. You should be able to have a conversation about the decisions - discuss them and come to an agreement. Okay (please try to hear the sarcasm in the word "okay" when I typed that). Maybe, I should be a parent that just "goes with it" and sees what happens. THAT is NOT why I chose to become a parent. I did not choose to have a "baby". I chose to have a child - to raise - to the best of my ability. I am in tears with decisions, I am literally physically ill, crying, panicking . . . and he goes to sleep. Really???? Are you flipping kidding me? Major, important decisions - or at least the way I see it. But I guess, sleeping. That matters too. Who understands this? NOBODY!!!! I want to "co-parent" my child. Oddly, that is term most often used by divorce people who are trying to get along with their spouse and raise the children. I am married and am begging for a co-parent!!! No matter what decision I make . . . it will be the wrong one. It will cause a drive that is too far, a daycare payment that is higher - somehow it will be a mistake and it will be my fault. It will be added to the list (and trust me when I say he HAS a list) of my mistakes. There is no forgive and forget. Must be nice to have never made a mistake. Must be nice to be perfect in everyway. Except I don't see yelling and kicking the dog as perfection. I don't see a lot of things as perfection. I see walking on egg shells that is what I see. We don't communicate. I have tried. This blog (which has to my knowledge NEVER been read by my spouse) is full of things that are going on with me. Some things are still saved in "draft" form until I get the guts to publish the post. Funny though, if somebody TRULY cared . . . wouldn't they read it? Wouldn't they care? I decided a long time ago that the word divorce was out of my vocabulary .... is it time for a new dictionary? Tonight, it is emotion and frustration (as usual). He doesn't give a flying fuck about me and I am begining to think that it doesn't stop there. Fuck it. I said it. I said it all. Well . . . not all. OMG . . . totally not all.

welcome back ana

I am a filthy nasty person. How I lost sight of the big picture agaim is beyond me but I have. Why must I do this shit... so much easier to try to aintain. What an idiot. Today I have had 20 calories so far and it is 11am. Rockstar energy drink saves my life ...Today_ I get cutters - so much pain and frustration (over nothing really) and no outlet. My only control .... The onl thing I have control over is not putting food in my mouth and dragging something sharp over my skin to cause pain. If I feel PHYSICAL PAIN even for a second I don't feel as much emotional pain during that moment. It's a distraction. I'm crawling out of my skin. Going crazy. Want to peel my fat off DON'T TELL ME I LOOK HEALTHY! That means fat. Thanks to a new phone I can have proana and thinspo with me 247. Lunch time is now consumed with it. I think I can back on track.

My blog is a little off of the primary subject .. . .

I started this to deal with Ana and everything she brings on. The good, the bad, the ugly. It is a litte off track right now - but will soon be back on subject soon. Just needed a place to put other things and cant handle a 3rd blog! Please hang in there! I have good Ana stuff coming!

Thinspo Pics 1

Random Ana

I am not there yet but I am closer than I was yesterday.
Everything is backward, upsidedown and sad.

For all their years and years of research and development, doctors, nurses, and therapists will NEVER understand the disordered mind if they have never lived it themselves. It appalls me to hear them say, "I understand what you're telling me..." Nothing infuriates me faster. No amount of study and research will qualify you to "understand" until you've lived through it.

Guitly Pleasure - THIS IS CLEAN CONTENT

I have decided I have four guilty pleasures (which are harmless - at this point anyway).

1. Crushes on professional athletes. (NBA especially)

2. Caller ID which allows me to ingore 80% or more of my calls - thus continuing to live in my world of solitute and denial.

3. Obnixous color pumps/heels (think stripper colors probably) - just drawn to them.

4. Make up collecting - I am a junkie!

SO what is your guilty pleasure?????

Stuff to come . . . .

I am always ripping out magazines articles or little things here and there. I have this HUGE book of these random collections. Best intentions to read the book or go to the website or whatever. Today (snowed in my house for the 2nd day) I decided to put some of the thoughts and stuff on my blog. My hope is that I will do something with them one day - this will be ongoing!!

This is long . . . . . but there is a point at the end PROMISE!!!!!!

My name is Emilie and I am 33. I should have figured all of this out by now but I haven't. Me. Life. Things. I think too much. Far too much. It is comical to some but it truly is painful to think as much as I do. I have forced myself through squares that I didn't fit in. Tried to manipulate myself to fit. Then dealt with the inner battle of not being "enough" just not being "right" and then at the very same time being "way too much". Okay, so I will be "real". But what in the hell is "real"?

I am in "recovery" from anorexia. It is still unreal to say it outloud (and my point for writing this will all make sense at the end).

For those who don't know that specific time in my life or the situation - its a time that I miss (sadly). Anorexica-nostalgia - maybe? Damn recovery. Recovery is for losers and quitters.

At the time I was seeing therapists, nutrionist, medical doctors, and was literally shrinking away. Your body literally starts eating your body - your brain and in my case - my hair. I don't believe it is common knowledge but when you change your weight - you change your brain -literally. The really hysterical thing to me (truly) is that the only thing that got my attention is when I went to get my hair cut and was told that I did not have very much hair left. Vanity. Pure vanity.

Just days before I was asking the nutrionist - how I could not eat and stay alive. PISSED OFF - I was so mad that nobody would give me a concrete way of getting my hair back, a way to not eat, and not die all at the same time. I say all of this because anorexia is a disease of the brain and NEVER goes away.

When all of the above was going on - I had almost blacked out in the kitchen one day and had to sit on the floor until everything was "normal" again. The very next day I had somebody make a comment "well, you don't look anorexic", "well, you don't look anorexic", "well, you don't look anorexic", "well, you don't look anorexic". Obviously, it still resignates in my head. I thought I will show you, bitch. It was a challenge. (The bitch titled her head when she said this and I wanted to snap her head off - by the way she had certainly conquered anorexia and then some with the Christmas hams shoved in the back of her pants . . . but I digress). Challenge extended - game on. There went any progress that had been made.


The social taboos of eating disorders and especially mental illness (depression) are just as vicious as they have ever been. They are seen as as weaknesses of willpower or as a defect of personality. The depressed should just "snap out of it". The fact is that even while trying to "get better" things really seem to get worse. Its hell. I can't imagine trying to overcome drug or alcohol addiction - I honestly don't think I could do it. It is an emptiness that simply can't be filled. It becomes self hate. And once it starts - it stays for an indeterminate number of years. And people too commonly just bypass it because of all of the ugliness.

I write this as a challenge - not so much about anorexia but about mental illness in general. Anorexia is is merely a symptom of a huge psychological mess. Think about this - "normal" people (those without any type of depression or anything) have a bad day - one bad day and it is over. But guess what? That is mental illness. This is mental illness.

1. Spend too much time convincing people that small things make life great.

2. Damaged. That what mental illness is. Defect and damage.

3. Tiny things are the only things that keep people going. Hold your breath, hang on and wait it out.

4. Constant need to excuse yourself, to explain why you are the way you are.

5. Fragile - so fragile - confidence.

6. Constant feeling of being inferior, inadequte.

7. Feeling only tolerated by those around you.

8. Never been good enough for yourself or your expectations.

9. Can't make sense of your own thoughts. Knowing your thoughts/actions are not "right" (on a "good day")

10. Knowing it is here to stay - for life.

This is the only way I can explain mental illness and is my point:

(my favorite quote ever)

"The idea of my future simlataneuosly thrilled and terrified me, like standing at the lip of a very sheer cliff - I could fly, or fall. I didn't know how to fly, and I didn't want to fall".

With depression - with mental illness - you have no choice in the matter -you just stand there - holding your breath and waiting for whatever will happen- to happen. Again, the challenge - change your thought process next time you come across "one of those people"

(Last note - my hair will never be the same - vanity - yes - but very sad to me.)

Wonderful World of Disney . . . .

I was thinking about Disneyworld today and how "magical" it is for little kids and families. Then I really started thinking about it. Like everthing else - the fantasy is better than the realiy. The fantasy is magical, sparkly, glitery and perfect in everyway. The reality is long lines, dirty rides, trash, overpriced everything.

Think about it from a kids perspective - Disney sets kids up to be disapointed. Why? They want EVERTHING and can't have it! Disney is an example of what it is to being a kid and wanting to be a grown up. When you finally get there - your realize - it sucks!

Just a random thought from me . . . .