Friday, October 7, 2011
Yep, I am fucked up!
I was so proud when I didn't eat. I loved it that my jeans hung on hips. Although I have gained weight - I can still feel this today. It causes a stabbing pain in my heart. It physically causes me pain to know that I am NOT in that position right now. I had so much control then. I could go days without eating. I lived on Rockstar. LOVED IT. I hate to touch my body now. Now, I feel more responsiblity though. I have a 4 year old daughter. She watches my every move. She is very smart. I don't want an ANA life for her but I want it back for me BUT I want to be alive for her. But at the same time there are times that I want to die because I hate this body that I am in. Why can't get the control back? Somebody help get started again? I am so frustrated. I can't live like this.
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I feel the same way. I want my old body back but I would NEVER want my daughter to be ana or even have slightly disordered thinking. My mom did that to me and fuck if I'll do it to my baby. :[ I'm trying to loose weight slowly and in a healthy way but it feels like it's taking forever.
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