Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Alone . . . but surrounded by people

This is a little off of "Ana" subject but relates still. I can't get into all of it in this forum (although I wish I could "go there" safely). So, I have never in my life felt so totally completely alone. I am surrounded by people (family) and I am married. I work and have "work friends". I have friends outside of work. I have a lot of people in my contact list on my phone, in my Facebook Friends list, in an old dinasour age address book. I have a therapist for goodness sake. But I feel like I am out there - totally by myself. I have, what I consider HUGE, LIFE ALTERING decisions to make and I don't think anybody understands how OCD I am about these decisions. OR maybe that is the problem - they pass it off as "just being OCD and a freak". People - you can keep your judgement. As parents, we are trusted to make the best decisions for our children (safety, medical, educational, etc). When you are married this should be easier. You should be able to have a conversation about the decisions - discuss them and come to an agreement. Okay (please try to hear the sarcasm in the word "okay" when I typed that). Maybe, I should be a parent that just "goes with it" and sees what happens. THAT is NOT why I chose to become a parent. I did not choose to have a "baby". I chose to have a child - to raise - to the best of my ability. I am in tears with decisions, I am literally physically ill, crying, panicking . . . and he goes to sleep. Really???? Are you flipping kidding me? Major, important decisions - or at least the way I see it. But I guess, sleeping. That matters too. Who understands this? NOBODY!!!! I want to "co-parent" my child. Oddly, that is term most often used by divorce people who are trying to get along with their spouse and raise the children. I am married and am begging for a co-parent!!! No matter what decision I make . . . it will be the wrong one. It will cause a drive that is too far, a daycare payment that is higher - somehow it will be a mistake and it will be my fault. It will be added to the list (and trust me when I say he HAS a list) of my mistakes. There is no forgive and forget. Must be nice to have never made a mistake. Must be nice to be perfect in everyway. Except I don't see yelling and kicking the dog as perfection. I don't see a lot of things as perfection. I see walking on egg shells that is what I see. We don't communicate. I have tried. This blog (which has to my knowledge NEVER been read by my spouse) is full of things that are going on with me. Some things are still saved in "draft" form until I get the guts to publish the post. Funny though, if somebody TRULY cared . . . wouldn't they read it? Wouldn't they care? I decided a long time ago that the word divorce was out of my vocabulary .... is it time for a new dictionary? Tonight, it is emotion and frustration (as usual). He doesn't give a flying fuck about me and I am begining to think that it doesn't stop there. Fuck it. I said it. I said it all. Well . . . not all. OMG . . . totally not all.

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